Monkey Business

First off, I would like to thank you all for being so incredibly patient as my little family grew and moved. It is so nice to be back and I look forward to sharing the rest of this journey with you!

We have been up to so much that it is sometimes hard to believe that it has only been eight weeks since the birth of my son! And yet, it doesn't seem possible that he will be two months old a week before my twenty third birthday.

~

I read far too many blog posts and articles (and unwillingly listened to a lot of personal stories from over sharing and well meaning friends) on how to prepare for and what to expect during the birth of your child. And I can honestly say, most of them gave me very unrealistic expectations. I had this amazing picture in my head of a drug-less natural birth that would involve quite a bit of screaming tear shedding and intimacy between my husband and myself. I was in no way prepared for 26 hours of labor including: horrible back labor that sent my heart rate and blood pressure in a drastic downward spiral, an allergic reaction to a pain killer, three doses of an epidural that wouldn't last longer than an hour each time, no communication from my doctor, the rapidly dropping heart rate of my son, no food or drink for 36 hours, being told that my body was rejecting natural birth and ending in an emergency cesarean where I was knocked out at the end due to too much blood loss. But now that I look back on it, I am pretty sure there wasn't anything that could have prepared me for that.

When I finally woke up, I was told my son had been born at 10:27 pm on Monday September 29th 2014 weighing 8 pounds 8.6 ounces. My husband and the nurses were constantly trying to soothe the panic seeping up from within me with stories of his cuteness and how he was already rolling over. It wasn't until 3 am the following morning that I was finally able to meet and hold my monkey. After ten minutes of skin to skin contact the nurse whisked him away for further testing, only telling me that she didn't want me trying to feed him yet due to blood sugar issues. I learned later that they were feeding him formula to try and even out his sugar which also apparently entailed that I wasn't allowed to have him in my room. When I was finally allowed to breast feed, it took nearly a day of trying, crying, and specialist visits to get him latched and nursing. That wouldn't have been bad if I hadn't also been battling my nurse. We would call her for medication when I could feel mine wearing off only to listen to her rant about her children to a colleague outside my door for an hour. By the time she would waltz into my room, the pain would be in full swing as well as the nausea and puking.

Though all of this seemed like enough to color me done, there was yet more. Every time I would fall asleep, the alarms on my monitors and a nurse would wake me up to get me breathing. According to the monitors I stopped breathing several different times each time I fell asleep. The next step from that was to put me on oxygen and prod me every time I stopped breathing. Shortly after being let in to all of that drama we were told that our monkey had a bad case of jaundice meaning we needed to bring him back for frequent monitoring once we were released until it cleared up.

We were released from the hospital on Thursday October 2nd and by Tuesday the 7th this mamma was back in a hospital bed. I had an extremely high fever due to an infection that my doctor couldn't find. Tuesday night, my prince and monkey stayed with me. Then, when my man had to work and his dad came to keep me company. With the very little rest a newborn brings I was not getting any better and something had to give. My father-in-law decided that I needed to rest and the best way to do that is without my son attached to me, so he took my monkey home with him for the night. I felt as if I couldn't breathe and like my heart left with him. As if being in the hospital wasn't bad enough, now I had to let my monkey go and not be the one feeding him. I honestly thought the pain of him not being with me was worse for me than not getting any sleep. My body didn't agree, once the visits stopped I was only awake to speak with the nurses and doctors. All that rest led to my temperature stabilizing and my infection clearing up.

I was released the following Thursday and went to stay with my in-laws. Their help while the prince was working his tail off was very much needed. We went home as a family the following Monday, and it has been a wonderful journey since. Don't get me wrong, having a gassy and fussy baby while trying to find your routine as a family was difficult but so worth it.

Now that that is out of my system, I can get down to the fun part!

Isn't my monkey adorable?

I honestly cannot get over the miracle this boy is. Though the ordeal of his birth was less than ideal, I wouldn't trade it for the world! Welcome to the world monkey boy!

Glorious Come Back

!HELLO WORLD!

I am so glad to say that I am finally back in the blogging world! Between the lose of my laptop and the arrival of my beautiful monkey there has been no way or time to do this. And boy have I missed it! With every exciting and new aspect that tackles my life I can come up with several different ways to communicate it all with you!

As it is incredibly late and the infant has me incredibly drained, I will share those with you at a very soon future date! Goodnight all!

Happy being Kicked

I started out composing this post just to vent about yesterday's unplanned doctor visit and the heart attack my monkey attempted to give me. Then after searching for the right image off my phone to add to the post, the underlying meaning of it's caption really hit me and I realized it needed a post of its own. 

I write this in hopes that it reaches just one woman who needs it. Whether they are experiencing that exact situation or have in the past, or maybe they are on the brinks of this, I hope it can help at least one.

So here it goes!

  This pregnancy has not been the easiest for me. In the beginning, I was filled with a sense of failure and depression about what was to come. Feeling that only brought on a deep sense of guilt for not being simply overjoyed to be creating a human blessing from God. I watched these women around me getting pregnant and being so utterly elated about it. I saw a few who were in not so desirable situations still be happy and glowing, and here I was barely able to force a smile when someone would congratulate us. I did not feel worthy of housing a miracle nor did I want to contemplate the life changing responsibility that was going to accompany the tiny human. And looking at all these women who had it together so easily only made me feel worse.
  When we got our first bill for the routine blood work and I lost my job, I plunged deeper into a pit of darkness that not even my Prince's prodding could bring me out of. I would literally sit in a chair unable to sleep and just cry. And when I couldn't cry anymore I would just stare at the floor in front of me. It was a never ending cycle of depression that led to guilt that only led to more depression. My doctor voiced concern but her way of "fixing" me was medication I was not willing to subject myself to. The few people I did let in to how I felt had their own ideas on how to "fix" me as well. But, heeding their advice of getting outside or getting some sleep or talking it out only seemed to mask what I was really feeling.
  When the suggestion of praying about it came up, it seemed simply impossible. I felt so far from God and knew that there was no way he would help me with a task that everyone could do so easily. Every time I attempted to pray I felt as if I was crying to thin air, and how silly could I be to expect an answer out of it. I attempted to find some sort of reply in my bible and was only faced with more women having babies and verses stating what a blessing these babies are. I went searching for those elusive answers at church only to face a sense of dread and self loathing for not being anywhere near God while everyone else was walking hand in hand with him.
  Doctors visits held little to none of the joy I heard people attained from hearing their little one's heart beat or seeing them. The first glimpse I got of the monkey only shoved me further into dread and shock over what was to come. Every visit from then on meant hearing a heart beat that sounded so foreign and not anything I could be responsible for. While my Prince and our families seemed to gain a sense of calm and joy with every visit or mile marker we passed, I dove head first into a pit of hopelessness. The first flutters of kicks felt so weird that I wasn't sure I wanted to feel any more of them.
  Finding out my monkey's gender was the first insight into joy I held. Watching the Prince's smile reach ear to ear showed me that it might be okay. Then looking at the screen as the ultrasound tech talked us through what we were seeing brought tears. I had no clue what the tears meant, but I did know right then and there that I was no longer alone. I know what you are going to say, I was never alone. I always had God, my Prince, our families and friends, and the little one I was growing. But, with all those present I still felt more alone then ever. I knew from that point on that no matter how I felt, my son would be a light of God to me and everyone around him.
  I had assumed that with that intense revelation would come a sense of calm and understanding about what was to come. But no, I instead had a couple good days every now and then surrounded by some pretty bleak and dark days. Five weeks later my monkey tried to make an early appearance which only succeeded in further freaking me out. Four weeks after that is when everything changed for my state of mind.
  Yesterday at 29 weeks, I was rushed to the doctor for monitoring due to decreased movement, heavy contractions, and incredibly low blood pressure. After some tests that I would have loved to skip, the doctor started on an ultrasound. She found my monkey using my diaphragm as a trampoline while attempting to shove his fists out his soon to be exit. It took some immense and painful prodding to get him to stop trying to escape early. After we were able to get him moved they continued with the ultrasound. The image I saw next gave me the most joy I have ever known. My monkey had turned to face the ultrasound wand and smiled. He stayed that way for a good five minutes and I wanted that time to last forever. I had never felt so in love with anything in my life, I am pretty sure my heart jumped right out of my throat and floated up to heaven.
  Now, I am home and the high of the experience has worn off. But man, this 'everything will be fine' feeling hasn't. I have taken this time to learn that there is no way I was alone in feeling down about baby. I have read so many blog posts and bible verses that have showed me no matter how far into the pit I fall, God will always pull me out. I didn't realize that he was using my monkey to do so.
  So, with the help of God and the amazing people he puts in my life I don't plan on feeling that down and out ever again. I have even started to enjoy and count on the kicks and punches the monkey sends my way.
I know that this post has probably been incredibly depressing with a sudden turn to the light nature of joy. But it is what I have been led to share.
  If this situation pertains to you at any level, all I can say is it will be okay. I know that phrase means little and has the power to severely annoy a pregnant woman looking for answers. But trust me, I know there are dark days, and I know it can seem like every day is a dark day. But it will get better!
This post was incredibly difficult to compose, but worth it. I hope it touches at least one!

I know it is horrible quality.

But look, my monkey's smile!

~Belle~

Phew! That took Forever!

Hello World!

I know, I know, it has been forever since my last post! So, I suppose you would like to be caught up! ;)

    Well, in December the Prince and I took a vacation to California. Once we arrived home from that long weekend, everything took off! Late December held tons of photo sessions for me, and lots of overtime for my Prince. January showered us with a lot of sickness and still more overtime. February on the other hand, now that is an entirely different ball game!
   My love and I spent the first week of February planning a rather nice two week long vacation to Florida. We were to leave in late August to early September, and it was going to be epic! Universal Studios, Disney World, and the beach! The day before we were going to book the hotel and buy the entertainment tickets (Thank you overtime!), I made a rather difficult decision. Ok, are you ready for this? I went and peed on a stick (alright, two sticks or maybe even three ;D), and not just any stick. The kind that lets you onto the idea that your world is about to be rocked! Well, when all the sticks tell you the same thing, using more of them doesn't really change the outcome! The next day held a doctors appointment and family phone calls. Needless to say, we went from planning a pretty rockin' vacation to planning to be parents!

Can you believe it?

Really, you can?

Because we sure couldn't, at least not for the first couple days.

   So, fast forward with me to July 2014. I am seven and a half months pregnant with a tiny little monkey. And trust me, this little monkey has been like no other! He sure knows how to press our buttons and freak us out and he isn't even born yet! :) We had a scare last month when this pauper started having regular and painful contractions. Come to find out, my monkey thinks 25 weeks is great time to attempt to make his appearance. I think not! Now, mommy is on limited activity and be monitored like a hawk by family and doctors alike!
  Even with being on limited activity, I am still attempting to get in as many photo sessions as possible! Yes, I know, I should be at home with my feet up. But, that is incredibly hard to maintain with the new mom ants in my pants! :) I know for a fact that once my monkey comes there will be little to no time for photos of clients for a while, so I would like to fit them all in while I can!

What would/did you do in bulk to prepare for baby?

P.S. Look at how we told the world we were expecting a boy!