I started out composing this post just to vent about yesterday's unplanned doctor visit and the heart attack my monkey attempted to give me. Then after searching for the right image off my phone to add to the post, the underlying meaning of it's caption really hit me and I realized it needed a post of its own.
I write this in hopes that it reaches just one woman who needs it. Whether they are experiencing that exact situation or have in the past, or maybe they are on the brinks of this, I hope it can help at least one.
So here it goes!
This pregnancy has not been the easiest for me. In the beginning, I was filled with a sense of failure and depression about what was to come. Feeling that only brought on a deep sense of guilt for not being simply overjoyed to be creating a human blessing from God. I watched these women around me getting pregnant and being so utterly elated about it. I saw a few who were in not so desirable situations still be happy and glowing, and here I was barely able to force a smile when someone would congratulate us. I did not feel worthy of housing a miracle nor did I want to contemplate the life changing responsibility that was going to accompany the tiny human. And looking at all these women who had it together so easily only made me feel worse.When we got our first bill for the routine blood work and I lost my job, I plunged deeper into a pit of darkness that not even my Prince's prodding could bring me out of. I would literally sit in a chair unable to sleep and just cry. And when I couldn't cry anymore I would just stare at the floor in front of me. It was a never ending cycle of depression that led to guilt that only led to more depression. My doctor voiced concern but her way of "fixing" me was medication I was not willing to subject myself to. The few people I did let in to how I felt had their own ideas on how to "fix" me as well. But, heeding their advice of getting outside or getting some sleep or talking it out only seemed to mask what I was really feeling.
When the suggestion of praying about it came up, it seemed simply impossible. I felt so far from God and knew that there was no way he would help me with a task that everyone could do so easily. Every time I attempted to pray I felt as if I was crying to thin air, and how silly could I be to expect an answer out of it. I attempted to find some sort of reply in my bible and was only faced with more women having babies and verses stating what a blessing these babies are. I went searching for those elusive answers at church only to face a sense of dread and self loathing for not being anywhere near God while everyone else was walking hand in hand with him.
Doctors visits held little to none of the joy I heard people attained from hearing their little one's heart beat or seeing them. The first glimpse I got of the monkey only shoved me further into dread and shock over what was to come. Every visit from then on meant hearing a heart beat that sounded so foreign and not anything I could be responsible for. While my Prince and our families seemed to gain a sense of calm and joy with every visit or mile marker we passed, I dove head first into a pit of hopelessness. The first flutters of kicks felt so weird that I wasn't sure I wanted to feel any more of them.
Finding out my monkey's gender was the first insight into joy I held. Watching the Prince's smile reach ear to ear showed me that it might be okay. Then looking at the screen as the ultrasound tech talked us through what we were seeing brought tears. I had no clue what the tears meant, but I did know right then and there that I was no longer alone. I know what you are going to say, I was never alone. I always had God, my Prince, our families and friends, and the little one I was growing. But, with all those present I still felt more alone then ever. I knew from that point on that no matter how I felt, my son would be a light of God to me and everyone around him.
I had assumed that with that intense revelation would come a sense of calm and understanding about what was to come. But no, I instead had a couple good days every now and then surrounded by some pretty bleak and dark days. Five weeks later my monkey tried to make an early appearance which only succeeded in further freaking me out. Four weeks after that is when everything changed for my state of mind.
Yesterday at 29 weeks, I was rushed to the doctor for monitoring due to decreased movement, heavy contractions, and incredibly low blood pressure. After some tests that I would have loved to skip, the doctor started on an ultrasound. She found my monkey using my diaphragm as a trampoline while attempting to shove his fists out his soon to be exit. It took some immense and painful prodding to get him to stop trying to escape early. After we were able to get him moved they continued with the ultrasound. The image I saw next gave me the most joy I have ever known. My monkey had turned to face the ultrasound wand and smiled. He stayed that way for a good five minutes and I wanted that time to last forever. I had never felt so in love with anything in my life, I am pretty sure my heart jumped right out of my throat and floated up to heaven.
Now, I am home and the high of the experience has worn off. But man, this 'everything will be fine' feeling hasn't. I have taken this time to learn that there is no way I was alone in feeling down about baby. I have read so many blog posts and bible verses that have showed me no matter how far into the pit I fall, God will always pull me out. I didn't realize that he was using my monkey to do so.
So, with the help of God and the amazing people he puts in my life I don't plan on feeling that down and out ever again. I have even started to enjoy and count on the kicks and punches the monkey sends my way.
I know that this post has probably been incredibly depressing with a sudden turn to the light nature of joy. But it is what I have been led to share.
If this situation pertains to you at any level, all I can say is it will be okay. I know that phrase means little and has the power to severely annoy a pregnant woman looking for answers. But trust me, I know there are dark days, and I know it can seem like every day is a dark day. But it will get better!
This post was incredibly difficult to compose, but worth it. I hope it touches at least one!
I know it is horrible quality.
But look, my monkey's smile!
~Belle~
