Anyhow...
It has been brought to my attention recently that insecurity is not such the small hurdle I make it out to be. I toss it aside everyday with the motif that everyone goes through it. Yes, it is a common thing for people to go though. And yet, that somehow does not belittle the insecurity that I drown in. I am not one to share my insecurity lightly, but I know that doing so may help another with theirs.
As a wife, mom, woman, and photographer there are many areas of me life under attack from insecurity.
On the wife field, I strive to help my prince and uplift him daily. There are plenty of times when I let the frustration get to me and fail in both aspects. You know the frustration I speak of, the kind that comes from his man brain not seeing the same level my woman brain does. I am not attempting to say that I view myself above him, but there are certain conclusions I come to that baffle him and the other way around as well. Lets face it, our brains are wired differently (thank God, I would not want to live with another me). So, when I let that frustration in and give into it, I do not succeed in my endeavors to be the help mate that God made me to be. I do not live up to my full potential as a wife more often then not, and it weighs on me. It creates a level of insecurity all it's own.
As a mom, I want to give my monkey the best I possibly can. There are many days when, in my mind, I do not reach that goal. One instance would be breastfeeding. I set out to strictly breast feed him until he was at least six months old. Then, one week into his life we were forced to give him a bottle for two days (I was in the hospital, and he was not). He took right to breastfeeding after that road bump. But, not three months later he started not wanting to work for the breast milk. So, I started pumping. By the time I had really gotten into the groove of pumping and built up a supply (an entire month later) he completely refused to even let the breast near his mouth. Within two weeks he was refusing to drink the pumped breast milk. I was broken. Not only had I lost the closeness that breast feeding brought, but now I was no longer his food source. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with formula, and he sleeps better now that he is on formula. But, this was not what I had envisioned with my first child. For quite some time I felt as if I failed him for not being able to provide the best for him. I found ways to still get that closeness, but I still felt as if I let him down. That insecurity was enough to have me in tears nearly every time he ate.
Being a woman is no easy feat in and of itself, but like most of us do, I put way too much pressure on myself to perfect it. I want to look great, feel great, cook great, make great things, be a great friend and have great friends. I want to be an overall great woman. Yeah, like that is obtainable! I may lock down one of those great traits a day. And when only one works and not all of them I feel as if I have failed myself and the friends I so long to have. You can imagine what that insecurity can do to a woman!
As a photographer, I want to offer the best product at the best prices. No matter how highly you view your own work, there is always someone who does not feel the same. I am constantly comparing myself to other photographers. There are some much better than I am who I love to watch just to catch a little ray of their creativity. Then there are others who do not produce the same quality I do, but they charge more and have a far bigger clientele. That just tells me I am doing something wrong, but how do I even start to fix it? Then I have clients who do not want to pay the small amount I charge to begin with, so how can I raise my prices to match my skill set without losing clients? Insecurity at it's finest, tearing apart what little confidence I have as a photographer.
There are many aspects in everyone's life that insecurity can take hold of and damage. How can we fight it? How can we protect ourselves from it? There is only one answer to this question as well. God! Leaning on God is the only way we can make it through and past our raging insecurities. I do not proclaim to know how to make it past this, but I do know that God is the only one who can lead us down that path.
As a wife, mom, woman, and photographer there are many areas of me life under attack from insecurity.
On the wife field, I strive to help my prince and uplift him daily. There are plenty of times when I let the frustration get to me and fail in both aspects. You know the frustration I speak of, the kind that comes from his man brain not seeing the same level my woman brain does. I am not attempting to say that I view myself above him, but there are certain conclusions I come to that baffle him and the other way around as well. Lets face it, our brains are wired differently (thank God, I would not want to live with another me). So, when I let that frustration in and give into it, I do not succeed in my endeavors to be the help mate that God made me to be. I do not live up to my full potential as a wife more often then not, and it weighs on me. It creates a level of insecurity all it's own.
As a mom, I want to give my monkey the best I possibly can. There are many days when, in my mind, I do not reach that goal. One instance would be breastfeeding. I set out to strictly breast feed him until he was at least six months old. Then, one week into his life we were forced to give him a bottle for two days (I was in the hospital, and he was not). He took right to breastfeeding after that road bump. But, not three months later he started not wanting to work for the breast milk. So, I started pumping. By the time I had really gotten into the groove of pumping and built up a supply (an entire month later) he completely refused to even let the breast near his mouth. Within two weeks he was refusing to drink the pumped breast milk. I was broken. Not only had I lost the closeness that breast feeding brought, but now I was no longer his food source. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with formula, and he sleeps better now that he is on formula. But, this was not what I had envisioned with my first child. For quite some time I felt as if I failed him for not being able to provide the best for him. I found ways to still get that closeness, but I still felt as if I let him down. That insecurity was enough to have me in tears nearly every time he ate.
Being a woman is no easy feat in and of itself, but like most of us do, I put way too much pressure on myself to perfect it. I want to look great, feel great, cook great, make great things, be a great friend and have great friends. I want to be an overall great woman. Yeah, like that is obtainable! I may lock down one of those great traits a day. And when only one works and not all of them I feel as if I have failed myself and the friends I so long to have. You can imagine what that insecurity can do to a woman!
As a photographer, I want to offer the best product at the best prices. No matter how highly you view your own work, there is always someone who does not feel the same. I am constantly comparing myself to other photographers. There are some much better than I am who I love to watch just to catch a little ray of their creativity. Then there are others who do not produce the same quality I do, but they charge more and have a far bigger clientele. That just tells me I am doing something wrong, but how do I even start to fix it? Then I have clients who do not want to pay the small amount I charge to begin with, so how can I raise my prices to match my skill set without losing clients? Insecurity at it's finest, tearing apart what little confidence I have as a photographer.
There are many aspects in everyone's life that insecurity can take hold of and damage. How can we fight it? How can we protect ourselves from it? There is only one answer to this question as well. God! Leaning on God is the only way we can make it through and past our raging insecurities. I do not proclaim to know how to make it past this, but I do know that God is the only one who can lead us down that path.
